I know that I posted my "Last Farewell?" but I've been able to buy some time before I have to vacate so I am posting a few more experiences of the many others that I would like to post.
The last thing most siblings don't want to do at the age of 52-years is move in with their mother but as noted in a previous post my financial challenges came to a head with the foreclosure of my house. With absolutely no place to go but a bridge embankment or city union shelter my mom offered me the safety of moving in with her to help with the medical and physical challenges she was facing while giving me a roof over my head and food.
It was touch and go initially but as we both became acclimated to each other and learned to give each other our space and independence things started working out much more smoothly than I ever thought would. There were, of course, the times of frustration on both our parts but it was a win-win situation overall in the long run. I began to look upon it as a full-time care giving job while she appreciated the companionship of having someone around full time to talk and share her problems of depression associated with the aging process and gradual loss of freedoms.
My social life primarily revolved around her and the great people I met during my years at the retirement village. When Ellie came into our lives I would walk her to a mall just a few blocks from the village and sit at the Starbucks where Ellie acted as the babe magnet for any opportunities (but never happened). One morning a long time retired friend came into Starbucks and he started bringing his dog so we would have double exposure to the babes. The only drawback was a group of old retired guys who felt we were cutting in on there young babe time, so they eventually asked us to leave the dogs at home and join them on Mondays,Wednesdays and Fridays and so began my greater social mental health days of helping solve the problems of the world.
As time went on, I began to appreciate my relationship with my mom and looked at it as an opportunity to really get to know her unlike most siblings will ever do. She would get in a never ending circle of telling the same stories of the past over and over. When visitors would stop by she would get into these stories which I had heard at least hundreds of times over our years together so I would retreat to my room and let her tell whomever visitor might be there so they might hear it either for the first time or for the upteenth time. They were good stories but the repitition could be overbearing but on occasion she would surprise me.
One such story was told to me on our way back from one of her many doctors appointments. My son played soccer with Tom Watsons' (Pro golfer) son Michael and I forget exactly how we got on the subject (I think Tom was in a golf tournament and I mentioned Michael and soccer). Out of the clear blue sky she says she was given a ride home from a prominent Plaza restuarant one time by Michael. I thought she had totally lost her mind. Concerned, I asked her how Michael could have given her a ride home from the restuarant when he was my son's age? She impatiently replied, "NO!NO!NO!NO!NO!NO!", Michael Sr.! you dope! She went on to tell me that while my dad was involved with WWII she was talked into going to the restuarant by a friend at the apartment building she was living in off the plaza. She told me that she found out this friend was a floozie as she referred to her and that she only wanted to pick up men. This, of course, went against all her moral grain and wanted to go home where Michael Sr. (a total gentleman) offered to give her a ride home with no strings attached. I can confidently say that I totally believed her.
Then, there was the time she asked me if I would drive her to her 60th highschool reunion about sixty miles away since she wasn't really capable of driving herself. I, of course, said I would but was a little reluctant knowing that it was going to be boring. So I brought a book along to read while she enjoyed her reunion with the some 25-graduates left out of her graduating class. I never got to break a page of that book once we got there and ended up thoroughly enjoying myself and meeting some of her highschool buddies. One woman was a real hoot who tried to pick me up saying she wished she were younger. I responded that I could be up for adoption if she wanted to consider that option. Too bad she hadn't been my age since she would have definitely been someone I would have liked to meet and get to know. This classmate related stories of my mother and how she wasn't the miss goody two shoes I had always been told. It was, by far, one of the best experiences I've had in my life. We always had a good laugh about her 60th reunion.
The hardest part of our tenure together was watching her lose her freedoms, her independence to do the things that are everyday common to all of us. When mobility and dementia issures began to emerge I always felt that the a patient approach was best. It took her a year to finally begin to use a walker and even longer to face that she couldn't drive anymore. I always encouraged her to do as much physical activity that she could to maintain physical strength but was there to take over when I noticed her weakening or getting dizzy. There were those at the village (even my brother) who would have liked to see her go into assisted or long term care, especially during the times when I had been evicted. My goal had always been to make sure that when the time came that she would pass in her own surroundings. Among those things she cherished, loved and was familiar with. It was a battle at times with those external forces but I won out in the end. We had no problem speaking of that time and she knew as long as I was around that she wouldn't end up sharing some room with another person with one t.v. so she could enjoy one of her last freedoms, watching her favorite shows. I was there to assure her quality of life. A quality that she deserved and got.
I know this is long but there is one more factor in the equation that hasn't been addressed and that's Ellie. Towards the end Ellie weighed heavily on my moms' mind and what would happen to her. I assured her that I loved Ellie as much as she did and she would remain with me, which she does today. My moms last few weeks were spent in long-term care with a bladder infection. The forces to be gave her an assessment evaluation after the first 2-weeks to ascertain whether she would be allowed to go back to her cottage. It was at this time that she was informed that if she were allowed to go back to her cottage that Ellie couldn't live with her. She responded to the group that they might as well just let her die. I lived in a studio apartment where pets weren't allowed but after I informed my landlords that unless we could make arrangements somehow that I had no choice but to vacate and head to California. They agreed to a non-refundable deposit that my mom was more than happy to pay. My mom then knew Ellie was in good hands and I was able to bring her by for visits. I really didn't expect things to happen so fast but my mom passed on a week later with my being at her side. She left knowing that Ellie was taken care of and will be as long as I'm living. A promise made and a promise that will be kept.
I'm so grateful that this opportunity to bond so close with my mom came about and never regret the years that I got to spend with her to the end. There wasn't anything that couldn't be shared between us. I knew and understood the battles of aging she was dealing with and she knew and understood the battles that I contended with. As tough as it got she always maintained a positive outlook and always had that "meant to be" belief.
I miss her but know she lives on in my heart.
God bless and God speed
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
WHO AM I?
WHO AM I? This was a question posed to the group on one of our Tuesday evening meetings by the key case manager while I was staying at the Salvation Army. It was a question to motivate us into analyzing our current situation and reflect on what got us there.
There were some of those who took the question to heart but others that wouldn't have given it any thought at all since they were the ones just passing through with thoughts of the next shelter they would stay. I personally knew the circumstances that had brought me there and didn't give it much thought at the time.
But I'm one of those that just doesn't make a knee jerk decision on a question. If posed with a question I usually have to ponder and reflect on it for a while and then come to a conclusive decision on how to answer or proceed from there. I won't leap before I jump. This is the way I've been most of my life. I've seen too many people in business or personal situations who leap before thinking it through with bad outcomes.
This just happened to be a question that I thought of many times over a number of months. Who was I? Really! I began to think back to an early age (9-years to be exact) when my mother took me to the second closed-in mall opened in the Kansas City area. We were walking through this new mall and they had this computer system set up in the middle of the walkway. It was one of those card like computers (aging myself) and they were doing hand-written analysis of anyone interested. My mother had me sign my name on a card and they ran it throught the computer which gave me an analysis breakdown of who I was. There were several things mentioned but the most interesting was that I was analytical by nature. Now at the time I had to have my mother explain what analytical meant (she tried with the best effort but I was still confused).
On pondering the question of "who am I?" I remembered that particular time and realized that I am and always have been analytical in my life. Whether it was in business or personal this is the way I approach a situation. While at the shelter I befriended a couple of great ladies who, over the short time they were there, presented me with a card just before their departure that was very complimentary and mentioned a number of positive characteristics that they felt I represented. It made me think that these characteristics or virtues do represent who I am. I just never had thought about it before that day. To this day, I carry and cherish that card from two very good people and hope their endeavors since have been good ones (they are truly deserving).
Before I left KC to come to San Diego I called the case manager at the Salvation Army to say I was on my way and to thank him and his co-workers for the positive time I had there. I asked him if he still asked the question "Who am I?" to his groups and he replied that sometimes he did. He was quite surprised that I brought it up and even more surprised when I told him that it should be presented to each group that comes through even though not everyone will benefit from it but that if only one person gets it then that's one more than none.
WHO AM I? This is a great question each person should seriously consider in their life. Better late than never.
God bless and God speed
There were some of those who took the question to heart but others that wouldn't have given it any thought at all since they were the ones just passing through with thoughts of the next shelter they would stay. I personally knew the circumstances that had brought me there and didn't give it much thought at the time.
But I'm one of those that just doesn't make a knee jerk decision on a question. If posed with a question I usually have to ponder and reflect on it for a while and then come to a conclusive decision on how to answer or proceed from there. I won't leap before I jump. This is the way I've been most of my life. I've seen too many people in business or personal situations who leap before thinking it through with bad outcomes.
This just happened to be a question that I thought of many times over a number of months. Who was I? Really! I began to think back to an early age (9-years to be exact) when my mother took me to the second closed-in mall opened in the Kansas City area. We were walking through this new mall and they had this computer system set up in the middle of the walkway. It was one of those card like computers (aging myself) and they were doing hand-written analysis of anyone interested. My mother had me sign my name on a card and they ran it throught the computer which gave me an analysis breakdown of who I was. There were several things mentioned but the most interesting was that I was analytical by nature. Now at the time I had to have my mother explain what analytical meant (she tried with the best effort but I was still confused).
On pondering the question of "who am I?" I remembered that particular time and realized that I am and always have been analytical in my life. Whether it was in business or personal this is the way I approach a situation. While at the shelter I befriended a couple of great ladies who, over the short time they were there, presented me with a card just before their departure that was very complimentary and mentioned a number of positive characteristics that they felt I represented. It made me think that these characteristics or virtues do represent who I am. I just never had thought about it before that day. To this day, I carry and cherish that card from two very good people and hope their endeavors since have been good ones (they are truly deserving).
Before I left KC to come to San Diego I called the case manager at the Salvation Army to say I was on my way and to thank him and his co-workers for the positive time I had there. I asked him if he still asked the question "Who am I?" to his groups and he replied that sometimes he did. He was quite surprised that I brought it up and even more surprised when I told him that it should be presented to each group that comes through even though not everyone will benefit from it but that if only one person gets it then that's one more than none.
WHO AM I? This is a great question each person should seriously consider in their life. Better late than never.
God bless and God speed
E.A.T.S. PHILOSOPHY
Years ago when I started coaching 8-year olds in soccer I came up with a philosophy that I hoped would be a lesson, not only in sports but to apply in there lives to come in the future. I coached them in soccer up through 14-years. It's something that I hoped that I could contribute as my mentors did for me. It's a philosophy that I apply in my everyday existence.
E: EFFORT
A: ATTITUDE
T: TEAMWORK
S: SPORTSMANSHIP
I believed that a sport should not only be a fete of focus and demand but that you should enjoy it, whether it be a practice or game time. My practices were based on Anson Dorrance's (North Carolina University Womens Soccer) workouts that made him one of the most successful winning coaches in women's soccer. It taught my kids one-on-one skills and teamwork play in hard and pressure situations. That was the first part of the practice then the latter part made up of fun games that were applicable to other areas.
When it came to game time I would tell them that to step on a field of play was like a battle of fair play and to apply everything that they learned from practices. Go out there and do the best they could and then when it was done and over leave it there on the field. Go home and enjoy themselves. I hammered-in the philosophy as they grew that if they put forth the best effort they could with the right positive attitude then do it as a team player then they would be a success. The sportsmanship not only was applicable to sports but could be shown in everyday situations when dealing with their peers and differences they might encounter.
Even though most of those kids were recreational players, I took them into higher levels of competition to give them an opportunity to compete at the highest level of play. We may have lost a number of games and tournaments but we won a few that they could walk away from and be proud. The majority of those kids that stuck it out, whether soccer or other sports, played varsity as freshmans in highschool which was uncommon in there day.
For me, it wasn't the winning that counted, it was seeing these kids grow into success and come into there own. It was a matter of hoping that I in some way helped young minds have the opportunity that was given to me. You see, if you live the E.A.T.S. philosophy, you'll always be successful no matter what. There is no failure when this philosophy is applied in life.
God bless and God speed
E: EFFORT
A: ATTITUDE
T: TEAMWORK
S: SPORTSMANSHIP
I believed that a sport should not only be a fete of focus and demand but that you should enjoy it, whether it be a practice or game time. My practices were based on Anson Dorrance's (North Carolina University Womens Soccer) workouts that made him one of the most successful winning coaches in women's soccer. It taught my kids one-on-one skills and teamwork play in hard and pressure situations. That was the first part of the practice then the latter part made up of fun games that were applicable to other areas.
When it came to game time I would tell them that to step on a field of play was like a battle of fair play and to apply everything that they learned from practices. Go out there and do the best they could and then when it was done and over leave it there on the field. Go home and enjoy themselves. I hammered-in the philosophy as they grew that if they put forth the best effort they could with the right positive attitude then do it as a team player then they would be a success. The sportsmanship not only was applicable to sports but could be shown in everyday situations when dealing with their peers and differences they might encounter.
Even though most of those kids were recreational players, I took them into higher levels of competition to give them an opportunity to compete at the highest level of play. We may have lost a number of games and tournaments but we won a few that they could walk away from and be proud. The majority of those kids that stuck it out, whether soccer or other sports, played varsity as freshmans in highschool which was uncommon in there day.
For me, it wasn't the winning that counted, it was seeing these kids grow into success and come into there own. It was a matter of hoping that I in some way helped young minds have the opportunity that was given to me. You see, if you live the E.A.T.S. philosophy, you'll always be successful no matter what. There is no failure when this philosophy is applied in life.
God bless and God speed
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